Sometimes (read usually) when we
are hanging out and there is alcohol involved (read usually) my sister and I
regress to the age of seven. We stick our tongues out at each other, throw
food, and run around like maniacs smacking each other on the ass. There are
also tickle fights and sometimes wet willies.
My
nephew is our minion. Each of us tempts him to harass the other. Of course
since he’s three he’s always more on his mother’s side, but just you wait Henry
Higgins until he turns into a teenager. You’ll be sorry. Of course by then I’m
sure he’d rather be flayed than tickle his mother, but whatever.
Our
mother, when she’s there, is usually the odd one out, not because we purposely
exclude her, but because she doesn’t know how to play. Also, the grown up is
strong in that one, so she’s always somewhat appalled by the antics which is
not the way to be. And she’s sober, which is really not the way to be. But mostly it’s because she doesn’t know
how to play.
At our
second Christmas this year (because not everybody we love can be in the same
house at the same time because that would be Against Christmas) my sister and I were drinking and
smacking asses and having as jolly a time as you can have smacking asses
outside of a locker room without it being weird, when our mother said, “You
never let me play with your bottoms. I want to play with your bottoms.”
Awkwardness
immediately ensued, and of course we stopped because it was ruined.
Words
matter. They can hurt. And more importantly they can cause uncomfortable mental
images of your mother playing with your bottom. Which I guess is its own
special kind of hurt. For the proverbial record, I know she didn’t mean it in
the horrifying-bad-touch-creepy way it came out. She just wanted to join in the
madcap moment. But it’s like a guy who you wanted to kiss you asking if he can.
It kind of destroys the moment. Even if he doesn’t actually say he wants to
play with your bottom. Although of course he does.
The moral
of the story (as if you needed one) is if you see an ass that needs smacking just
do it. No discussion needed.
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