I had to wait to write this until I
could calm myself and be reasonable. I didn’t want the entire post to be
profanity; because it was that bad. Some people may be offended and judge me,
and that’s ok. But here’s the thing: babies should not be allowed on planes,
because they’re horrible. Babies, not planes.
By now you probably think I hate
children. I don’t. I have a nephew and he’s awesome, partly because he never
shrieks at the top of his lungs. And it’s not just about being greedy for the
pleasure of screech-free flying, although I am. There are health issues to be
concerned about. I’m referring to headaches, deafness, (which ironically would
be a blessing) and the stress that is caused by suppressing one’s natural
instincts; namely the urge to fling peanuts, SkyMall catalogues, or whatever
else is within reach at the offending baby.
I get it parents. You like your
babies. You like to take them with you. But you have to balance your, I have to
use the word “selfish,” want against what you’re putting other people through.
If you do insist on taking a baby with you on a plane, (a small enclosed space
where people are trapped with your
horrible baby) then bring shit to entertain it. Please don’t rely on it being enchanted by the nozzle of the air
conditioning vent. As I know from personal experience, that fascination is
fleeting.
Pack a toy; and maybe some Nyquil,
the airline will provide the booze. And
yeah, all that stuff is for the baby. “Oh
no,” you may be thinking. “I don’t
want to drug my baby when it’s not even sick, that’s horrible!” It’s not that bad. People used to put brandy
right into the bottle, and drink and smoke while pregnant. And breastfeeding.
The human race survived. And so will your baby. Probably. I’m not a pediatrician,
but probably.
Well, maybe. I mean, there’s really no
way of knowing what will happen. But I do know that sobriety is no guarantee of
a safe childhood. Anything can happen. Besides, I believe they make Nyquil just
for children. And if something is made specifically for children, then it would
be bad parenting not to give it to
them. It would be like denying your baby vitamins. Because drug companies care.
And if your child is shrieking and
giving someone all the way across the aisle a headache because it’s so damn
loud, don’t smile around as though you think it’s cute, and don't expect anyone else
to think it’s cute. Shut that kid up. Screeching is not adorable. And when you
act like you expect me to find it adorable, I want to hit you in the face.
Airlines: don’t let babies fly for
free. You’re just exacerbating the problem. Make them pay at least full fare,
perhaps with an additional noise hazard tax of 100%. And consider turning one
or two of the bathrooms into soundproof penalty boxes for particularly rowdy
babies. Better that the rest of us have to hold it, than have to listen to some
rowdy infant scream as though it’s being skinned because it dropped a pacifier.
It also wouldn’t hurt to penalize
the parents of bad babies. Perhaps a modest fine could be imposed on those that
allow a baby to get out of hand. Like a dollar. Per passenger. Payable every
time their baby shrieks. Or cries. Or stinks. Incidentally, if that policy had
been in effect during my last flight, my next flight would have been paid for.
And that would have been justice.
Please remember airlines, that frequent
flyer perks aside, you have an obligation to treat your passengers equally and
fairly. If I behaved like a certain baby named Quinn*(whose parents passed out
earplugs and candy at the beginning of the flight, which I should have taken as
a sign of end times instead of mistaking it for a courtesy) you would fly me
over Guantanamo without passing GO and push me out a hatch. Fair is fair.
To the babies: Just stay home. Ask
for a babysitter. Remember, anyone who cares will come to you. I’m talking
grandparents. Yeah, that’s it, just grandparents. Everybody else is waiting
until you’re a little older and less terrible. It’s ok. The rest of the world
will start to warm to you when you can say words and poop in the toilet. And
babies? One more thing: It’s bullshit to scream when you’re upset, and then
scream when you’re happy. Get a grip.
*Seriously, she’s the devil. (Whom
I didn’t even believe existed until this kid sat behind me for two hours.)