Thursday, January 17, 2013

And Not Just For the Porn


Last week, I fell in love with the internet. It was a long time coming, I know, and that may have something to do with the fact that I’m technologically challenged, and have until recently only used the internet to shop and email. Now, I know this is all stuff everyone else thought about like ten years ago, or whenever the internet, you know, started, but for me these thoughts are shiny and new. Come aboard.
I never really thought about the internet before I started the blog. Well, before I started looking at the stats, really. It was just there, magically bringing me Amazon and pictures of puppies that aren’t mine. I’m horrible at making significant connections with humans on a day to day basis, I feel forever awkward and disconnected, and I have, let’s call them reservations, about saying what I really think in front of anyone whom I haven’t known for at least twenty-five years. (Except for when I’m drunk, because alcohol is as magical as the internet but in a very different way.) That’s why I think it’s amazing that when I write something here, there are people in Poland who will read it. And who sometimes say something back. And since it’s a blog, my blog, about what’s in my head (hence the clever title) it’s something very specific but yet not so specific that no one else gets it.
I know there are people who can’t walk in to a room without making a friend; I am not one of those people. And I don’t know for sure that I have nothing in common with the people I meet in the flesh, but it’s so exhausting trying to figure that out. Not to mention the stress that’s followed by the drinking, and then I’m comfortable, but the results are not necessarily positive. This is better. This is something not based on proximity or a blood relationship. And this is not about not liking my family, I like most of them. But I also don’t have much in common with most of them.
So that’s what it is, this magic of the internet. I look at my stats and see that people have read my blog in Canada, France, Sweden, South Korea, Italy, and Germany, and more. Hi, Denmark. I’ve never been to any of these places, but somewhere out there are people who understand why it’s incredibly fucked up to stand too close to strangers, and who might get excited (in a good way) by a SWAT team outside their door. It’s fucking amazing. To me. Excuse me while I catch up with the world.
That’s why I’m in love with the internet. Not really because of what I’m putting out, although I find it’s easier to say stuff when you don’t know who you’re saying it to, but because of what I’m getting back. I almost didn’t post In Defense of My Mess, because I was pretty sure I would be judged, and harshly. But it turns out lots of other people are messy too, which is awesome; as are they. Which is why, I’m kind of in love with them too and maybe with you as well, out there reading. Or maybe I’m just in love with the idea of us. And yeah, some of these commonalities don’t matter much, but they matter more than proximity.