I almost just killed a bunch of
people because I’m tired and I don’t feel like getting up in the morning. In my
defense I also have cramps, but that’s no justification. However, it would totally
have been an accident.
I spend Thursdays with my nephew
which is generally awesome. But in spite of the awesome, sometimes when
Thursday rolls around, I’m fucking tired. I know I should seize the day, and
treasure every moment, because soon he’s going to be older and way too cool to
hang out with his aunt, unless it’s his other aunt who’s only like seven years
older than he is, but definitely not the aunt who’s like twenty years older
than he is, ok thirty years older, ok anyone who is doing math in their head
right now, just stop it. (Hi Z! Love you, love our days together, don’t take
this personally, fuck it you can’t read yet, so you probably won’t ever read
this, unless someday when I’m dead, you want to know a little more about me because
you didn’t know me very well, since you spent all your time hanging out with
your young, fun aunt.) I mean, they’ll probably be going to the same parties or
something.
I know. It’s admirable that I’m secure enough
to admit that I feel threatened by a twelve year old girl. It’s just that I feel
a little possessive sometimes. Even though I know I don’t have first claim and
I’m totally fine with that. Obviously, the people who chipped in the raw
materials get first dibs, that’s just how it works. Plus there’s the whole
issue of me being tired on my one day a week, so if I had all the days, every
day of every week… just… wow...
Anyway, I think we’ve mined that
tangent, which brings us to where I kill people with my mind. Unfortunately, it’s
not in an amazing River Tam kind of way. So the night before Zander day (yes that’s
what I call it, he obviously calls it “Anne day”), I was tired and I was
wishing I didn’t have to get up the next morning, then I thought, what if my wish comes true in some sort of
drastic, horrible, monkey’s paw fashion. What if in like half an hour, I find
out that everyone was killed on the freeway on the way home from Disneyland,
and by the way, the other aunt was with them at Disneyland so it would really
be a two birds monkey’s paw, so now four people are dead because I wished it,
because that’s the only way I wouldn’t have to get up in the morning. Except it’s
not the only way, and I don’t know why the monkey’s paw can’t see that, and of
course, I didn’t actually wish all the deaths. Not any of the deaths. The imaginary
deaths.
I mean my sister could have gotten a sore
throat or something and stayed home from work, not that I’m wishing a sore
throat on my sister, that would also be horrible, although obviously not as
horrible as the freeway thing. Except, I wonder if the sore throat would be
worse on some level if I had actively wished it on her. Probably not, because
it’s hard to top death. Plus she’d opt for the sore throat. Definitely. Although
to clarify, I do not wish her or anyone else a sore throat. Or death.
That’s not true. I might wish sore
throats on some people.
Are you usually this funny? If so, keep it up. If not, well, keep it up anyway.
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