Walking with three dogs is a slow
business thanks to the generally unsynchronized sniffing, and lifting, and
squatting. While we were stopped for a squat, a woman messing around in the trunk
of her car shined a flashlight in my face. I tried to assume it was an
accident, but then she did it again. And again. We had to pass her to get home,
although to be completely honest, we would have gone over there anyway, because
I was really annoyed, and because it’s everyone’s duty to stand up to
inappropriate flashlight behavior when they see it.
And as we approach she shines it in
my face again. Now, we are not out in the country. There is the ambient light
that one gets in any city, not to mention the actual streetlamps. It is not
that damn dark.
Me: “Could you not shine that thing
in my face?” I’m thinking: What the fuck
is your problem?
Her: “Sorry, Ma’am, I couldn’t see
who was there. It looked like you were hiding behind a tree.” Although
she technically said the word “sorry,” it was not in any way an actual apology.
And in case you missed it, she called me Ma’am.
Me: “I’m just walking my dogs.” This is a phenomenon she should be familiar
with since there are probably almost as many dogs as people in my neighborhood.
Her: “Well, I’m sorry, Ma’am.” (Again not being sorry at all.) “I have
bad eyes and I can’t see at night.”
Me: “Well, maybe you shouldn’t be
out at night.” Grown women who are afraid
of the not-really-dark should stay inside always.
Her: “Do you know how many times my
car has been broken into?” Probably never
while you were guarding it with that wicked flashlight.
Me: “Well, it wasn’t me any of
those times.” Is she implying I’m a car
burglar?
Her: “And did you pick up your dog
shit?” Not that it’s any of your business
but…
Me: “Yeah. Do you want to inspect
it?”
Her: “Ugh. No, I don’t think so.”
I’m thinking: Are you
sure? Because I’d be happy to throw it at your head.
Her: “I can tell just by looking at
you that you’re the kind of person who doesn’t pick up their dog shit.” That is so judgmental. And so incorrect,
since…
Me: “I’m holding a bag of dog shit
right now.” Don’t call her a cunt. Don’t.
Me again: “Why don’t you stop being
so judgmental and fat?” Dodged the C-word. Good for you.
Her: “I’m pregnant.”
And
now we’re in a bad sitcom.
Her again: “Why are you such a
cunt?” It’s called the moral high ground,
lady. Come join me.
Me: “It’s too bad that
whoever knocked you up doesn’t care enough to come help you with that box.” There was a box. It was big. She dropped it,
which was probably really embarrassing. I may have enjoyed that part.
Her: “Your dogs are ugly.” Which is ridiculous. My dogs are beautiful.
She was projecting.
So that was my night. And I hope
she’s still fighting with her husband or whatever about how he didn’t help her
with the box. Other than that, I’ve let it go.
Is your book half this funny? Damn, now I HAVE to go read the rest of your blogs, to make sure you're actually this funny, before I order your book, which may not even be humorous, even though I've already had a pretty decent chuckle over "self-inflicted veggies", and now have to go google THAT.
ReplyDeleteBTW, does it seem at all to you that I may just be thinking out loud here? Good, I didn't think so either, but thanks for agreeing with me. And did you really have to roll your eyes at me like that?
Signed,
Your newest fan
Thank you! I hope you enjoy the rest. And yes, the book is at least half as funny. Sorry about the eye roll.
DeleteWow. Just wow. Also, I just bought your book. Seriously, check your sales versus the timing of this comment. I absolutely have never once bought a book based on a single blog post that I randomly stumbled upon.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I am off to try to walk my cat at night, to see if it leads to any blog genius inspiration muse for me.